YOUR PAPERS PLEASE

I very much feel like a frog right now. A frog on the lower end of the frog intelligence scale. I've heard in the past that if you want to boil a frog don't put him in boiling water. Once he hits the water he'll just jump out. Instead put him in nice luke warm water then slowly turn up the heat. He won't notice that the water is boiling until it is too late then bam! Frog soup.

I fear we humans have become like that. At least I have. I sit comfortable in my home with my gadgets. With my refrigerator. With my air conditioner. It's hard to notice what is happening on the outside. But slowly our way of life slips away. We have gotten to like not having to worry about anything but what's for dinner. To the point that we willing allow government or business to make decisions for us. Give us more toys. Don't present too many problems to us and we are happy.

Little by little are personnel freedom is slipping away. Little by little we pay higher taxes. Little by little are worth and quality of life falls. Most of this is in the way of making us safer. Or to make us feel like some good is coming out of our taxes and fees. I think maybe we can be too safe. To the point of not living. Seat belts. Helmets. No smoking zones. All good and safe things to be sure. But to have government force them on you. Is that a good thing? Some people are to dumb to click a seat belt unless there is a law, you say. Well since when was being dumb against the law? Our just taking a chance with your life?

Do you think the Wright brothers would be able to take that first fight if they had to follow all the rules and laws that we have to follow today? They would need permits, inspections, helmets, special insurance riders. They would have to find out what the zoning laws were for the beach they wanted to use. The beach would have to be open, then they would have to pay all the parking fees. They would probably need a day use pass too. Not sure how much that fee would be.

Dr. John Pemberton cooked up his first patch of Coke in his backyard. Could he do that legally today? Well he would need a approved commercial kitchen and of course permits and health certificates. Business licence please. And Dr. Premberton do you have all your necessary IRS forms filled out?

Kind of funny how the government is doing all it can to control us yet China can use as much lead paint in our children's toys that they want. It helps save money.

You think I lie? Try to open up a little business following all laws and regulations. Try giving employment to someone to help with that business. You'll be glad that aspirin was invented back in the 1800s. You'll need some.

All I'm saying is that maybe with each of these new laws and fees that are meant to help us a little bit of our spirit dies. Maybe the next time you or someone else has a truly great life saving idea you'll will just shelve it when you find out how hard the governments hoops are to jump through.

Now pay the fee or get the hell off my lawn.

I have found somethings have gotten easier for me this year. Taxes. Taxes have gotten easier. If you make no money the government doesn't seem as interested in you and pretty much leaves you alone. Carrying heavy items has gotten easier. If my grown kids see me carrying something heavy they will ask to carry it for me. Wow. They used to run, now they volunteer. Driving. Driving is a breeze now. I cut someone off all I have to do is put two hands on the wheel and scrunge down when the pissed off driver whips by to give me the finger. They look, see that I am old and just mouth "crap" and drive on.
Eating dinner for lunch is easy. Less crowds more discounts. Nothing wrong with that. Falling asleep at eight at night is easy. I just sit down turn on the TV and bam! My eyes are closed and I'm snoring.
Forgetting what time I'm supposed to show up at someones house is easy too.
This getting old thing at that bad. What are the downsides?
Oh yeah. Disease and dying.
Another cranky day and get the hell off my well worn lawn!

COULD BE THE END! OR NOT.

I am what Rip Torn, in the movie Defending Your Life, calls a little brain. I know not the BIG picture. I can only take something I see on TV and run with it. I still have my helmet for when all the airplanes fall out of the sky on January 1st 2000. Back in the 70's I was ready for the fall of our country when inflation shot up. These things did not happen. But the end still marches forward. Now of course we are waiting for 2012. The Mayans and Nostradamus have warned us that that will be a very bad year. The planets of the solar system will spit on us and light their asteroids on our bald caps. The bible too says something like we're a goner when earthquakes hit, waves smash and the middle east gets crazy.
Wait. Earthquakes? Big giant waves? A crazy middle east?
Well we've always have had earthquakes and giant waves. The middle east has always been the continent we like to hide in the closet. Like a crazy uncle we don't like people knowing is part of the family.
But now for some reason I can't shake that feeling that maybe this could be the start to that perfect storm. We have had a fairly good run in the recent past. Not much in the gloom and doom department. Now it would seem that both man and nature are taking in a big breath and are about ready to blow hell upon the earth.
Most every form of government is either in economy destroying debt or making plans to head to Venezuela. Oil is getting harder to find. Food is so full of chemicals that we may all start to look like the three eyed fish of the Simpson cartoons. And nature is proving that all that doesn't matter when it chooses to rumble.
Worst of all the Easy-Bake oven as it exist now will be discontinued due to light bulbs being illegal soon. It's more than I can take. No more tiny chocolate cakes? This is serious!
So I shall plan. When the end hits the fan I shall be in church with my iPod and portable video game system waiting for the end. Nah just kidding. My fat butt is gonna run like hell. See you there.

CAN I BORROW YOUR IPAD?

Well I guess the future train is pulling into the station and books and newspapers were laying on the track. Still alive but breathing is very shallow. Soon we well hear the death beep on the monitor. Damn you future! Couldn't you stop just before taking out paper? What did novels in print ever do to you. It was the text books wasn't it? You hated carrying around all your nerdy sciences books and said "someday I will kill all books!" Books' buddy newspaper was just collateral damage I guess.
I cry onto my keyboard. I had to receive the bad news in (of all things) an email. My favorite book store Borders is in money trouble. Maybe a bad day at the track. Who knows. All I know is that the local store by me will be shuttered. My wife went in Saturday night and reported back that it looked like a black Friday one time only sale. People picking what little meat was left on the stores bones for a fraction of their worth. Black Friday? More like black Saturday. Gone was my little table that I would sit at for hours reading all my favorite magazines for free. Gone was the comfortable chair that held me while I sat and flipped through books I never had to buy. The free listening stations for CD's never bought. Why oh why this? With all my help trying to keep the store opened.
I joke a little. But I am very sadden to think that the day will come when my grandchildren may never know what its like to hold a book in their hands. To have breakfast with the newspaper spread in front of you. The feel of the paper. The smell of the ink. I know Kindles and iPads will keep the written word out there. Story's in print will still exist. Letters will live on. Maybe these devices helped to save the written word. But to me an old dog I will resit this future as long as I can. The story's I read will be on paper. I may need huge reading glasses to read them. The effort will be worth it.
Maybe you too could pick up this paper sword. If more of us are seen reading instead of tapping little screens some from the young generation will want to try too. That is my wish. Make it so.
Meanwhile a machine has kicked some Jeopardy ass! I don't want to go into the little feeding pod.

WHAT MONTH IS IT?

Happy New!

Happy spring. Happy Easter. Happy better weather. Happy baseball. Just Happy!

We made it through another dark cold wet winter. The sun is out. The dandelions are out. And evidently certain things in Jesse James pants are out.

I always take to heart that this is the season for rebirth. The time to put some pavement under your shoes and get moving. This is easy for me. Unemployed is still the box I check on any survey that comes my way. But with so many Happy's maybe something new will stop hiding from me on my casual job searches. Maybe that company that loves the big old boys with the speed of a manatee and the sharpness of toy knife will open it's door to me. Extend it's large corporate arms and say welcome. And if and when that day comes I will surely shed a tear. For a job is a sign of not being a lazy bum. A job is a sign of responsibilities. And a job is a sign of a certain loss of freedom.

I've come to the conclusion that true freedom and money are not very good friends. No, they seem to travel on different streets. One is the street of control. The other is the road less traveled. Which is also the one with less landscaping. Less new cars. Less new kitchen gadgets. And less keeping an accurate measure of time.

Well I guess I won't be the first stuck putting little widgets in large boxes. I guess I won't be the first to drag my grumpy ass home at the end of my shift to suck down beer and bitch about the traffic. But I'm sure a pocket full of minimum wage dollars will help me forget all that. I'm sure joy will spread over my face with every cart I pass out at Wal-Mart. I'm sure there is no better way to spend a day.

How sad. When we are working all many of us can think of is getting out of our job. When we are unemployed all many of us can think of is getting back into a crappie job.

But it's the season of new and I won't think that way. No I will have only shiny positive thoughts. For example my new retirement plan may kick in. I've been investing in it twice a week. I know that soon the numbers will match up. I know that soon I will be thanking the state and asking for one lump payment. Then I can sit back and do absolutely nothing with my day. Hey wait a minute.

A LITTLE SOMETHING FOR YOUR TWEET

We are so close to tech nirvana. We are on the cusp of the new human. Soon we will be a new class of living creatures. Bow down to the new order.

First off. Did you see me at the mall recently? Walking about shoving a mall corn dog into my yapper. Nope. I don't think so. How about at the movie theater on Saturday night? Shuffling into the dark cave with hundreds pushing and shoving all about me, while I try to balance my eight dollar popcorn in near darkness. Nope. That little walk reminds me too much of the scene in the movie The Time Machine. When the whistle blew we all faced the dark rock and like zombies moved forward. On to our doom! Thirty minutes of commericals and trailers. Look for me at the blue light specials of our local Kmart and you shall be disappointed. For I shall not be there.

No sir. Not when the good folks with names like Jobs and Gates has made it almost possible for me to live my life all within the safety and comfort of my home. This is a revolution. A sofa, a computer with Internet, a TV with a few hundred channels, a video game console, I could go on and on. Netflix keeps the movies coming. Amazon lets me have books tossed on the front porch. I can order groceries and have them delivered. Itunes lets me dance where no one can see me. Hell I can even have a $10 pizza in thirty minutes. Ten bucks! You can't make one that cheap in your kitchen! I pay bills without ever going to the post office. And I can grow pretend crops on a pretend farm. All this and more without ever talking to another human being. In fact now that I think about it I can have contact with my fellow earthlings without talking to them. I'll just text them.

Heaven on earth! What can I say as I wipe a tear away from my eye. Wait I have to IM someone: OMG GTHOML (get the hell off my lawn)!

WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT?

What do plumbers, kids, college students and animals all have in common? They are all searching for ghost.

And for some reason I am fascinated. I watch almost all of them on TV. Sometimes for hours. This type of program seems to be the new craze right now. Almost every network has a ghost hunting show on. The Travel channel. The Fine Living channel. A&E. On and on. I'm not sure how searching for ghost has anything to do with travel or living fine but this seems to be a common link for many networks. At least the Food Network hasn't jumped on the bandwagon YET. But I can see the possibilities. "TONIGHT WE SEARCH FOR, FIND AND COOK WITH THE SPIRIT OF LIZZIE BORDEN!" What would the main course be? What else but chopped steak. (Sorry.)

I guess we watch hoping to see some type of real proof of an afterlife. I don't think it's to be scared. Trust me. Watching some guy run around on a little island in Italy with a big nose mask on yelling in f*#ked up Italian does not scare me. If you watch Ghost Adventures you know what I'm talking about.

So I sit watching a bunch of grown people run around in pitch darkness for hours waiting for a spirit to make themselves known. I hope for that undeniable video proof that shows our afterlife is spent in another dimension. But what do I get? Static. Static that can pretty much sound like whatever you want it to sound like. What do you hear? Um noise? Listen again. Don't you hear a voice saying "I want a donut. Booooo." Now that you mention it yes I think I hear that.
Or the jerk of the head and the scream DID YOU SEE THAT?!? No we the audience didn't see that. Because the camera is never pointed at THAT. It's always pointed at you looking at that. How about that flying orb of dust? Or the shadow crossing in front of the camera that sure looks like one of the team members? Wow. Haunted by dust and shadows. But still I get suckered in every time just before a commercial break when one of the team member yells out WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT? Of course I sit through the commercials so I too can see what the hell that was only to find out is was a spider. What the hell is a spider doing in an old abandon haunted building? Stupid spider.

But I watch and watch I will continue to do. And hope I will that someday proof will come. A spirit will come forth grab a donut smile at the camera then walk through a wall. It could happen. Wait! Did you hear that? FOOTSTEPS! For real I hear footsteps. Damn, it's just my wife getting out of bed and coming for her morning coffee.